I was in an on again/Off again relationship (mostly on) with someone for 3 years. He was my first real D/s relationship.

Since December of 2013, we ended our relationship. One that was filled with many lies, deceit, and at times emotional and mental abuse.
I’m no psychologist, but I dare say that he exhibits traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Which would explain a lot of the inconsistencies in his Dr Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde personality.

It took me awhile to fully accept him for what he is. A person with no real substance who uses people in order to make himself feel whole. Someone who manipulates the “truth” to fit and cover up all the lies and wrong doings he has done. Someone who feels that he is with out blame and in no way responsible for his actions.

This “revelation” was incredibly scary for me, because it opened me up to new questions and doubts.  Was I just being over sensitive?  Who was this person that I had fallen in love with? Did he ever love me?
Did I cause this behavior in him? Was there anything I could have done differently to have proved to him my unconditional love for him?

The answer as I am finding out now is……No.

Over the years I caught him talking sexually and flirting with  ex girlfriends and old F buddies, found out he had signed up for several fetish websites (and escort sites) all while making sure that I was not allowed to talk to any of the people I have been involved with from my past.

I watched our sex life go from something that was exciting and thrilling, emotional and passionate, to non existent and not even trying. The D/s aspect of it, which had become so important to me, just stripped away by his laziness and energies he decided to place elsewhere. (All of which I might add, I was never allowed to be upset about.)

There were a lot of trust and insecurity issues, however I loved him very deeply and saw such potential and good in him.   Which contradicts with the narc tendencies.  What is real and what is not?

I couldn’t talk to him about my perceptions and feelings when it came to aspects of our relationship, because he immediately took the defensive and began deflecting.

I decided to start blogging about everything that was bothering me in the relationship as an outlet and a way for me to step back and process everything that was going on.

I tried to portray the goings on in this relationship as honestly as possible, with out a biased view point. Though I must say that I am human, I can sometimes let my emotions and insecurities get the best of me. However, having said that, what is written here, even though it is from my viewpoint, is as subjective as possible. There are two sides to every story. This side is just mine, based off what I saw/see and feel.

I would like to point out that I will be the first to admit when I feel that I am acting an ass.

This blog’s intention is not to make me out to be a “victim” for I chose to stay and deal with those situations. I was deeply in love with him. I was hopeful. Naive.
I know better now.

I am now on a road to recovery. Rediscovering the person I dimmed in order not to upset him. Claiming back me, and regaining my power.

It simply is what it is. It simply was what it was.


7 Responses to “About”

  1. You’re bit crazy. The guy is an asshole. Check my story, you’ll see the parallels.

  2. Sorry please edit my comment to say You’re NOT one bit crazy.

  3. I dunno, I’m on the fence. I’m with an ass much like yours, but I have kids and little way to support myself/ us. If I were you (given the facts I know, there’s always more) I would leave. Don’t rob yourself of the joys of life.

    • I’m on the fence too. When it’s good, it is SO good. Yet when it’s bad. . . it’s SO bad. There is no in between.
      I know I am worthy of so much more. I know that I am awesome and that I have so much to give to someone who is deserving (sorry if this sounds arrogant. :/ ) But at the same time I feel that this is about as good as it’s gonna get for me. . . with anyone.
      Thank you for the comment. 🙂

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