New Years Eve Blues.

I havent’ kept up with the timeline of this relationship, especially after the last bout of fuckery.

It just tires me.  Yet there is still that part of me that feels like I just need to purge it from my being.

The fact that P has put me through so much fuckery and deflected it back to the fact that I did what I wanted/talked to whoever I wanted to talk to/didn’t love him enough….all of which were nothing more but over exaggerated excuses fashioned in his paranoid head to give him the “ok” to do what he did, is infuriating.

If the end justifies the means….is that the phrase?

So going back……

I don’t remember exactly where I left off, but I do know that I had just found out from MI that her and P had been talking…quite a bit…sexually.

It was revealed to me that he was on alt.com and fetlife looking for a girl in MI’s area, so that he could come up there and engage in a 3some with MI and whatever girl he could find that would be down.

Funny.  Looking back around that time, he brought up that he wanted to go visit his dad who lives in Wisconsin.  I remember asking him if I could go with him.   He told me “If I wanted” and then after that he never brought up wanting to go see his dad again.  Makes me wonder…..

She also told me that he had opened an account on Deviantart, and was trying to pick chicks up on there…which is weird to me, cause I didn’t think one went on that site to pick up people.

But it made sense.  A few days earlier I had seen an email confirming that his account had been deactivated.  This would have been right around the time when I first initially approached him about his level of contact with MI.  Guess during that time he wouldn’t see me, he was cleaning up after himself, so that nothing incriminating would come back to bite him in the ass.

I didn’t think anything of the confirmation of deactivation email at first.  I mean I thought it was odd that he would have even set up an account on there.  He was always making comments how artists were fags and how lame being artsy fartsy was…..you know, how my friends and I were.  For a brief moment I actually entertained the thought that maybe he was on there looking at my stuff….oh how fucking stupid I was.

I couldn’t believe the things she was telling me….I mean I could, as his behavior had become soooooo repetitive in regards to this, but to the depths he actually went this time.  Especially with MI.

Everything that he told me about her…their relationship..was painted in such a negative light.  He made it seem like he couldn’t stand her, and how his getting involved with her was one of the biggest mistakes he had ever made. He told a story of when she came to live with him, and how they had gone grocery shopping.  She became very upset over something and he said he knew right there at that very moment that he HAD to get rid of her.  That she couldnt stay anymore.  She had to go back to her husband.  He said he wanted no part of that crazy.  He even went to talk to his mom about how to get rid of her.  That’s how freaked out he was.

He just couldn’t send her back home fast enough.

It just didnt make sense.  His story, and her story of their relationship are so entirely different.

I was devastated.  The lack of sex…his lack of interest in me…his distance…it fucking hurt.

I’m no prude by any means.  I was fully on board with our whole D/s sexlife.  I loved being his babygirl.  I would have done anything he requested.  Or at least tried.  Would I be a bit defiant in regards to his commands at times?  Of course.  Wasn’t that suppose to be the point? Wasn’t that part of the game?

I don’t remember how I confronted him.  He of course denied everything.  Told me it was all lies.  Then he pulled this one out….Told me that MI was blackmailing him.  Told him that if he didn’t continue their…whatever it was….that she would come right to me and tell me everything.

Seriously?????  Blackmail???  He was that weak of a man that he couldn’t tell some girl a state away to just fuck off??  Come on.  And if she was (which I doubt) why didn’t he come to me right when it happened?

Fucking asshole.

I left his place.  It was the night before New Years Eve.  I had made reservations for dinner at an Irish Pub to ring in the new year.  I had planned on getting all dressed up for him.  I was really looking forward to it.  That wasn’t going to happen.

I still went.  Though I had to cut the night short due to my sobbing outbursts..but i tried.  I just wanted to be there with him.  I just wanted to be with him.  Why didn’t he get this?

I just couldnt wrap my head around the situation.  My heart was inconsolable.

Why wasn’t he into me that way anymore?  How could he do and keep doing what he was….doing??  If he loved me as much as he said he did then why??  If I was the one he wanted to be with….then why????

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~ by spanglebaby52 on November 7, 2013.

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