The Truth

Bear with me as I write this.   My thoughts and feelings are so incredibly jumbled and I only have a limited amount of time.

The past two days, I noticed a new number showing up on P’s text log.  In fact the past two days, he has been non stop texting with this person.

I can only gather that this is yet another slut he picked up off of collar me or whatever else website he may be on.

I haven’t been keeping tabs on him all that much. . .as far as his activity on Collar.  I had created two fake accounts and baited him in to “talk” with me. . . him of course spewing out all kinds of perverted talk. . . but I had to stop, because well….it’s ridiculous that i should be doing that in the first place and it was making me incredibly sad.

So I have been checking in on his text logs through his online bill account.

Hence how I noticed the non stop back and forth between him and Shania.

I know her name is Shania cause I called the number.

(I didn’t talk to her. . .yet. . .and I’ll explain in a moment. . but I got her VM and that’s how I learned her name.)

Even though I have been trying to distance myself from P, it is his birthday weekend, so I agreed to come hang out with him.

Yesterday we went and had dinner with his mother and sister.

Through out the day i would check his text records and kept seeing the same number over and over.  Kind of ballsy if you ask me. . . normally he limits his inappropriate texting to work hours or days I am not with him.

So needless to say . . .it really fucking bothered me.  A LOT.

Add on top the fact that we haven’t had sex in almost 2 months. . .or any kind of flirting. . . . well, I was getting incredibly pissed.

I tried my very best to just shove it down.  That I would confront him about it later.. . after his birthday. . but as the night rolled on, and his texting with whoreface Shania continued, I was unable to hide my disdain less and less.

 

So it all went down.

He asked me of course, what my problem was. 

I didn’t flip out.  I didn’t raise my voice.  I stayed calm. 

In all truth, part of me was tired of the same all patterns repeating and repeating.  Even thought I really wanted to spend his birthday with him, and deep down I still have some shred of hope that things could turn around with us. . .this cycle HAD TO STOP.

So I started out with some questions.

Do you love me?

Are you in love with me?
Do you find me attractive?

Are you happy?

Where does he see things going between us?

He of course answered yes to the 1st 4 questions.  The last question he w.

He then asked me why I was asking all this.

I then asked him who was Shania.

He smirked and laughed a little and told me ‘No One.”

I then replied “really? No one?  Then why have you been texting with her non stop for the past two days?”

He of course wanted to know how I knew that.

I then asked him where he met her.  He told me not to worry about it. 

I then said I would worry about it, because here we go again, the same old shit.  I asked if she was some skank he met on some sex site. . .he kept telling me not to worry about it.

Needless to say this went on for a few minutes.  Neither one of us really wanting to devolve how we knew what we knew.

Then somehow the conversation turned. 

What was revealed to me, has TOTALLY opened my eyes.  It has made me look back and look at things with a whole new understanding. 

P kept telling me that maybe it would be best if I go and find someone who can give me what it is I need.  I kept asking him if that’s what he wanted, for us to be over, he kept saying no, it wasn’t what he wanted, but he felt that he can no longer give me what it is I need.  Or want.

This wasn’t making sense to me.  He kept telling me that I wasn’t listening.

That he had been trying to tell me subtly over the years.

P has been having issues. . . Man issues.  He can’t maintain.

This has been going on since about a year into our relationship.  I never noticed.  There were a lot of times while having sex where he just couldn’t finish.  I didn’t think anything of it.

He told me that it started for him 2 years after his divorce.  He noticed that he just couldn’t get it up. . .and he was having a hard time maintaining. 

Right before he and I got together, he went to several doctors for help.  They all told him he was too young to be having such difficulties, so they recommended that he go see a psychologist.

He did this for a bit and it seemed to help. . . for awhile. . . and then the problem surfaced again.

When I came along, he was taking drugs to help him.  In fact, it was the reason why he wouldn’t sleep with me right away.   He wanted to make sure he could perform.

However, he said that they were making him sick. . . .and that at times it felt like he was going to have a heart attack.

They were also really expensive. 

And now, they hardly if at all work.

Looking back, I now understand. 

The dots are now connecting. 

He would have horrible heartburn for days. . .I thought he just had stomach issues.

He would be winded and out of breath afterwards, trying to catch his breath.

I thought it was because he was just out of shape and was a smoker.

He told me that the reason why he feels like he needs to sext other women is because there is no need for actual follow through.  Where as with me. . . there is that reality that he will fail as a man.

He told me that he feels his spirit is broken.

That statement alone broke my heart.

 

All these years, I had no idea.  I thought it was me.  I thought it was because he was just an insecure asshole. 

Him coming down on me about who I was talking to and hanging out with . . . now makes sense.  It doesn’t make it right or ok. . but i now UNDERSTAND why he behaved the way he did. The possibility of  losing the girl he loves to a “real” man.

He has been so embarrassed about this, that he didn’t want to come right out and tell me.  He didn’t want to risk the humiliation of me leaving him over not being to get it up and going.

I understand that it is a sensitive subject for men. . . I just wish he would have said something earlier.  It could have saved us a whole bunch of heartache and confusion.

Yeah sure, he dropped hints here and there. .  but I was so convinced that because he WAS talking with other women in that way, even though he had a GGG (Good, game and giving)  girl at home, it wasn’t that big of an issue.  He was just being a selfish asshole.

I’m not sure where to go from here.  I don’t know what exactly to do.  I made it very clear that there is to be no more sexting with anyone but me (unless it goes both ways. . . if he can do it, then so should I be allowed….to which he firmly said No, and did not seem keen on me doing the same.)

It wasn’t that I expected him to be giving it to me all the time. . . I just didn’t understand why he wasn’t and going elsewhere for the thrill.  That’s when it became a big issue for me. 

I’m not sure if any of this is making sense.  everything is still jumbled in my head and like i said. . .I’m not sure what this means for us.

Do I love him?  yes.

Do I want to be with him?  yes.

I’m just hoping that now we can work through this together. 

I’m hoping that now that the truth is out, there will be less pressure on his end to “perform”.

That there will be an understanding.

A healing.

It’s all just surreal at the moment.  The veil has been lifted…..and all I see now are possibilities.

 

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~ by spanglebaby52 on September 15, 2013.

4 Responses to “The Truth”

  1. Wow, I would never have seen that coming either. I hope you two can work this out together.

    At least you know now the truth. Always easier when you know what you’re dealing with.

    Hugs

  2. COMMUNICATION,,,, its so easy and right in front of you. One person to proud to talk and the other scared. If you continue to talk it will make things easier to deal with and you both will know what to expect (somewhat). I wish you both well and keep talking

    • its going to be a struggle. i have a feeling that just because he was finally open about what was going on, does not necessarily mean that the doors of communication are open. I have a feeling that future atempts at this subject will be met with much resentment and annoyance.

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