D=RxT 7-31-13

I haven’t felt much like dealing with this side of my life.  I have been distancing myself from P.

Thank god I have something to help occupy and focus on.

At the same time, the whole mess is so familiar, and I feel a bit accustomed to it.  Not like I accept it. . . I mean, I do in a way.  I accept that this is HOW he is and will be and there is NOTHING I can do about it.  However, I will not accept that it is RIGHT or JUSTIFIED in any means.

I DESERVE BETTER.

I know a lot of you who read my shit from time to time think, Just leave his ass already.

But like I said.  It’s not easy.  Especially because my heart is having a hard time letting go,

So I Feel I need to go through a detachment period.

Distancing.

I did get a hold of a number of a girl he had been texting. . . Saw that she sent pictures even.  I’m itching to give her a call.

But what would I say?  What good would it do?

I’ve done it before in the past.  Reached out to certain girls he was sex talking with.  Obsessing over.

They were very understanding and cooperative.  Logically, they are not the enemy. . .to a degree.  Sometimes, they are just as much the victim in whatever head/ego trip/game he is playing.

But you can only be a victim to a certain point.

At least in this type of situation.

Anyways, I am rambling.

I wanted to keep up with the timeline of things.  I was just about to get to the part where I found out about a whole bunch of shady shit he was doing.  but at the moment, I just feel like. . . what’s the point?

I’m living it again.

But I don’t have to.

I don’t have to.

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~ by spanglebaby52 on July 31, 2013.

5 Responses to “D=RxT 7-31-13”

  1. This might help you understand where you are and where you need to get to –

    http://chumplady.com/2012/06/untangling-the-skein-of-fuckupedness/

    • A very good and insightful read. Though, I don’t know if I agree with the statement about the low self esteem. I think people with low self esteem do a lot of . . .self sabotage? Or maybe engaging in activities that give them a false sense of gratification? I dunno what I’m trying to say. I’m at work, and this place sucks the intelligence out of me. Blaaaaaah.

  2. You missed my point. Completely.

    He has demonstrated by his actions that he doesn’t care about you, that he feels entitled to treat you badly and that he is not about to change. The longer you continue to analyze his behavior and feed him Ego Kibbles, the more of your life you are wasting.

    • No no. I get that. I totally get that. What I meant was her saying that most cheaters doing what they do because of low self esteem, when its the opposite. . . they have overly high self esteem and think they are better than you to begin with.
      What I was trying to say is that I don’t think that is entirely true. That people with low self esteem will often partake in risky/negative behavior for validation.
      Since they refuse to or can not give their own self validation. They seek it outside of themselves.
      That was the word I couldn’t think of yesterday. Validation.
      But yeah, I totally know he doesn’t give a shit, and that he is not going to change. And now, it doesn’t matter anymore why he does what he does. He just does. As a person who is constantly entangled in the Why of things, (for my own reasons to make peace and acceptance.) It was a hurdle to get over. I’m just gonna have to let this one go and chalk it up to why ask why? It is what it is and move on.

      A favorite quote of mine is
      “My dog has brown eyes. . . . Sometimes you need to understand that you don’t always need to understand.”

      I think Its time I put that saying into practice with this situation.

  3. Chump Lady said, “… their purportedly low self esteem. (Newsflash — they don’t have low self esteem. They actually DO think they are better than you and more important than you.)”

    Its US (the chumps) who have low self esteem, that’s why we stay. You can’t make me believe that he treats you badly because HE is suffering from low self esteem – if he was, he would be eager to please…like…Uh…you, perhaps? Wouldn’t it be HIM trying to explain away YOUR bad behavior and make the relationship work?

    I think you are right – let it go without closure. You will never understand, so quit wasting time trying to. It’s an exercise in futility, a game you can’t win. Take your ball and go home. Live your life. Be happy 🙂

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