Insecurity Blues.

Excerpt from a journal I had.

I imagine this is around Oct/Nov of 2011.

I really don’t know how to write about this. My insecurities are flying high and old wounds are opening and pouring forth.  I keep asking myself “why?”  And “what have I done?  What have I not done?  What am I not doing?”  And I can’t help but wonder if his thoughts are lying elsewhere.

The mood has definitely changed as far as matters of the bedroom are concerned.  Most times feels forced. Not as in forced on me, but as if forced in effort o n his part. That he’s only doing so for my sake.  Try and I might to get him hard and erect, fighting back tears and practically choking on my own vomit at times, nothing seems to work.

And how can I not take it personally?  I don’t get him hard or turned on.

And the collaring . . . hasn’t been out much if at all.  This REALLY feeds into my insecurities.

I was his babygirl in training.  I guess I wasn’t good enough.  And again, I feel as though it didn’t mean much to him anyways.  (Since he used that term with other girls.)

God that hurts.

It still fucking hurts.

He hardly flirts.  Hardly is playful.  Compliments becoming less and less.

I just don’t understand.

Yet there is such a fucking annoying jealousy on his part for anyone that tries to kid around or joke with me.

How he views all my friends and the people I know to be nothing but perverted sex on the brain “faggots” or some shit.

When did he become such a prude?  How did I miss this?

Because of all the shit that happened in the past and the lack of lust/attraction on his part, I am beside myself.  Constantly internalizing.

I don’t understand….I am here. . . .I am down for whatever. .. . To be the fantasy. . Open and ready . . . yet I’ve become the reality, and perhaps that has turned him off.

I have no DOUBT that he is still talking his shit with someone . . . somewhere.

I checked his facebook a few minutes ago and saw that there was still no comment or interaction with the comment I left him.  I had playfully told him I was going to eat his face with a side of applesauce.  My way of letting him know how much I adore him.

(I have a thing about wanting to eat cute things . . . not really want to eat them, but you know what I mean.)

Some girl he works with that he just recently added (funny how he can add girls regardless of the relationship) left him a link on his page and he was able to like that with in minutes of it being posted.

(I had posted mine way before hers)

How do I not feel stupid for expressing such tokens?

I took the comment down.

If he is not into the physical sense of me, I wish he would just cut me free.

Again, all my quirks and oddities, which I thought he was attracted to and adored. . . .I’m not so sure he is anymore.

I constantly feel gross and disgusting around him and my head just floods with worries of what he’s really thinking or WHO he’s really thinking of.

I wonder how much longer I can go on being enamored with someone who isn’t enamored with me.

I need that.  I need the input from what I put out . . . and I KNOW I put forth A LOT of EFFORT to be affectionate & flirty with him.

It’s not even effort with me, because I WANT to be that way with him.  It comes naturally because of how much I am into him.

Yet I don’t get much in return.

I could go on and on about this . . . How I dirty talk to him and he blows me off, and how incredibly das and hurt I get because I think I must not be good enough for him to do that with. . . Yet he obviously he had no qualms about sex talking other girls . . . yet he hardly does with his own girlfriend.

For a man who believes in actions speak louder than words . . . his actions are deafening.


~ by spanglebaby52 on July 2, 2013.

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