Missed BirthdayConnection

 

Let me start of by saying that I am a little depressed today and that I am not sure if this post will make much sense, but I feel that maybe if I just write what is floating about my head and jot down my feelings, maybe then I will feel a bit better.

Last Saturday was my Birthday.

This year’s went pretty smooth compared to birthdays of the past couple of years.  It was pretty drama free.  Which is a good thing.

P really dropped some $$ on me this year.  From taking me out for the day, to getting me a bunch of gifts.  I should be happy right?

I’m not.  Well.  I am. . .I mean, I am incredibly grateful for his material generosity. . .Part of me just feels. . . sad.

Perhaps it was the execution of everything.

I’m not saying I expected him to “worship” me on my birthday.  He just felt sort of distant.  I dunno.  I can’t really explain it.

I was hoping for that feeling of intimate closeness, that aura of excitement that we were sharing a special day together.  It wasn’t so much about me. . . but us.  How excited I was to share my day with him.  I just don’t feel he was as excited.  To him it could have been just another day where we had to do shit.

And, well, I guess we all can’t be excited about the same things.  I get that.  Though it would have been nice to have shared in that excitement with someone who was as equally excited.

I feel torn about how I should feel about everything concerning my birthday.  I feel as though if I nit pick and say that this and this wasn’t what I had hoped, then it makes me appear to be ungrateful.

Yet I am not.

We drove an hour and 45 minutes from home.  We toured an old prison that was used for several movies.  We hit up a Cheese and Chocolate shop we both love.  We stopped at the Fireworks store so he could get some things.  He took me dinner at a fancy restaurant.  He bought me quite a bit of items I had listed on a website wish list.

Yet. . . I dunno. . .there was just a distance?  Lack of connection?  It was like he just threw these things in my lap and was like “here.”  Like he didn’t want to share in the moment with me.  Sure he was there, he was having a good time, yet there was no . . . again. . .connection.

Actually, that was exactly what he did with my birthday presents.  They all didn’t come in on time for my birthday, so he gave them to me last night.  Just threw them all in my lap, unwrapped or still in the packaging they arrived in and walked into the other room.

He didn’t sit down with me while I opened/looked at them.  He just sort of walked around his condo talking about this and that, telling me the one dress I had picked out that he had gotten me was probably cheaply made.

I had asked for it hoping he would find the thought of me in it alluring.

In fact a few of the things I asked for were in hopes he would find the thought of me wearing them tantalizing.  A vinyl corseted dress, wet looking thigh highs and boy shorts.

He said nothing about wanting to see me in any of it.

There wasn’t even any birthday sex.

Like I said, it wasn’t that I didn’t have a good time that day, and we were getting along, and he was footing the bill for everything. . . just something was off.

Just little things that I wished could have been more.  Different.

*sigh* I dunno what the fuck I am trying to say.

I should just be grateful we got along this year.

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~ by spanglebaby52 on May 22, 2013.

One Response to “Missed BirthdayConnection”

  1. Always for support, love. Holding you, still. XX

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