Jekly & Hyde 4-22-13

Over the weekend, I had a huge 3 day workshop.  I do this one every year it comes to town.  A lot of friends and acquaintances that I don’t get to see very often also come to town for this, so it’s kind of a big deal.  It’s a way for everyone in the community I am involved with to catch up and see one another.

The workshops themselves can be pretty intense as well.  Physically and emotionally.  The man who puts these on, sort of combines a method of training mixed with philosophical and spiritual undertones.

It can be quite moving.

I had informed P way in advanced that the event was taking place, and he seemed to handle it better than in years past.  He didn’t really give me a hard time about it, so that was good.

Yet, there were a few instances leading up to the event and afterwards that kind of struck a nerve with me.  I will be the first one to admit if I am being overly sensitive.  I think I just need to get it into my head that he will never be or do what I need him to be or do.  I don’t feel like I am asking much either really.  I don’t expect him to be something he is not . . . yet; I still struggle with if a person is the sum of their worst (or even teetering on the sum) Why wouldn’t you want to encourage them to be better than what they are?

I dunno.  It’s where I get tripped up.

I’m not sure if I am explaining this coherently.

I know P could be a much better, loving person than he is. . . He just chooses not to be.  My hope lies in that one day, he will actually CHOOSE to be a better person.

Anyways.

I didn’t hear much from him all day Thursday, and he has been pretty stressed about work.  (Again, the stress of his job is something he doesn’t handle very well.) So I wasn’t expecting much of a response from him anyways.

He wasn’t feeling well the night before, so I texted him a few times during the day to see how he was feeling and how work was going for him.  He responded here and there.  I then told him around 1:00 that I was missing him….  At 4:45, he finally responded back to me that the dog got peed on by another dog.

*sigh*

I didn’t take his ignoring of my sentiment too personally, for this is what he does.

To me it’s kind of sad that I have to “accept” this type of behavior from someone.  It gets old at times to have to be the one that constantly has to hold my hand and heart out. . .and for what?  For it to be smacked out of my hands?  Or ignored so it dries up and becomes brittle?

I left work to go stay the night at his house (since I wasn’t going to see him all weekend.)

When I arrived at his place and walked in the door, he didn’t greet me necessarily,  I mean he came out from his back bedroom and I walked up and gave him a kiss on the cheek, and he immediately pulled away from me and started  going into tirade about work.

His pulling away and lack of reciprocation to my affection really disappointed me.  I don’t have a good poker face, so it showed.  He stopped mid sentence and asked me what my problem was.  (in his ever so annoyed that I am just another thing he has to deal with tone of voice.) I of course, told him nothing, because I know that it’s just not beneficial for me at times to voice my displeasure or disappointments.  He then had the audacity to throw the fact that every time I have this workshop come up, I get all fucking weird with him.

(If he hadn’t given me such a hard time about doing the workshop, and all the events that went along with it in the past, then I probably wouldn’t have been so “difficult” to begin with.  And by difficult he means, taking offense to his constant criticisms and attacks on the very things and people I love.)

I then told him that I had just walked in the door and couldn’t believe he was gonna start with this.  How It saddened me that he would pull away from me when I kissed him hello, especially after he ignored me earlier.  He of course then said nothing and just sat down.  I told him to go on with his story about work, and he of course told me no.  It wasn’t important.  That I didn’t really care.  (oh the deflection and flipping. . such a master he is.)

We finally both relaxed a bit as the night progressed.   We made up, and he fucked me good that night.  Or I should say he made me fuck him, which is a rarity. . . he was also spanking my ass, and telling me to ride on “daddy’s dick like a good little girl.”

Don’t get me wrong, I loved it. . .that’s what our sex life once was, and I miss it immensely.  I desperately am yearning for that part of our life to resurface.  Yet, what the hell?  How can he tell me one minute that He’s just not into it anymore and how it’s too much work with me, and then just throw it in whenever?  I dunno.  Whatever.

Friday before I went to the workshop I made sure to call him, and I texted him when I could.  He actually texted me later that his night would have been better had I been there with him.  I really appreciated the sentiment, and to be quite honest, I was missing him.

Again Saturday we texted here and there.  I told him sat night how I was just thinking about him and wanted to say Hi.  (because doesn’t it just feel nice to know that the one you are in love with is thinking of you?  I think so.) he replied back with a smiley.

Sunday, the last day of the workshops, I texted him in the afternoon how I couldn’t wait to see him that evening.  He then texted me back about how he had to shit like 3x that morning.

Ummm. . .okaaaaay.

He had a friend in from out of town that day, so he spent the afternoon visiting with him.  We texted here and there when we could.  I really wasn’t taking his response to my earlier sentiment to heart, after all, how many times have I been through this?

Again, when I got back to his place later that night, he was laying on the couch.  He didn’t sit up to greet me, or make an attempt to offer a kiss hello or anything of the sort.  Again, it was me kissing him on the cheek and asking him how he was.

I then had to push him over on the couch to make room for me, as he made no offer for me to come sit by him, and there was almost reluctance in his body to my making him move over to make room for me.  I then had to take his arm and throw it over me as we laid there, because again, no attempt or inclination on his part.  I then asked him to kiss my head and he did so with a quick peck.

I just don’t understand.  You would think after not seeing each other after a few days, especially after a weekend, weekends being where we spend the majority of our time together, he would have showed some sort of gladness or appreciation.  But no.  It was total indifference to whether I was there or not.  At least that is how it feels to me.

 If I question him on it, or look to him for reassurance, then I am the asshole.  I am the one stirring up shit and looking to cause drama. . playing head games so on and so forth.

I dunno.  I mean, Is it too much to ask for some reciprocation?  Is it to much to ask for some sincerity and honesty in how you feel about someone?  Once again, I go back to the whole you get what you give. . .and I just don’t understand.  I have given quite a bit, yet. . . . Perhaps that is part of my problem?  That I expect to be returned what I give in some capacity.  Then again, if I just give and give and give. . . doesn’t that just set me up for a being a door mat?

I am beginning to feel that this adage, this “principle” is fallible and holds no true merit.

I don’t think I am being to overly sensitive and needy.  Maybe I am.  Who the fuck knows.

I just want to be with someone who is into me, and doesn’t take the relationship for granted.

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~ by spanglebaby52 on April 22, 2013.

6 Responses to “Jekly & Hyde 4-22-13”

  1. There are some people who will suck up all you can give and still make you feel like shit – that you’re not giving enough. They’re called Emotional Vampires and they come in several varieties. You CAN NOT make a person strive to be better. It will never work and you will be left with nothing after all the time and effort you put into him. He can’t be “fixed” and you should be looking for someone who doesn’t need to be “fixed,” someone who is into you and committed to a relationship with you, who doesn’t make you feel like an asshole for doing something you love. Kick him to the curb – he doesn’t deserve you and you can’t afford to waste any more time and energy on him. Keep him as a fuck buddy if you must, but move on for your own good.

  2. I know what you say is all so true. Logical Me is right there with you and would tell any other woman in my position the same thing, It is the optimist in me that has a hard time accepting the “realities” of a situation. There is also a part of me that has a hard time relating to the fact of well, why wouldn’t people not want to strive to be their best? I know it is something that I personally strive for.
    Even to keep him around as a Fuck buddy is a joke, seeing how our sex life is pretty much sparse to non existent.
    I liken this all to the Higgs Particle. On paper and theoretically, it exists. And science has come close (if it already hasn’t by now) discovered it’s existence in lab experiments.
    P’s good side and inner light is there. . . theoretically. . . on paper, and I have seen hints of it in the lab. . . I know it’s there. I feel so close to unwrapping it’s full potential, it’s hard to walk away from a “life’s” work. I know this sounds all stupid and illogical, but I guess what I am trying to say is that when you feel so incredibly invested in something, it’s not so easy to just walk away.

  3. Uh huh. That’s why I married ex#1, bore him the son he so desperately (said) he wanted. I was in it for the long haul – I was going to heal his wounds and bring out the potential I knew was there. And then he tried to kill me and our unborn son.

    Sometimes you have to let someone else make the big discoveries.

    I’ve been told that there are men out there who already know their own potential, men who are already grown up, productive members of society who know how to love a woman the way she deserves to be loved. Why not find one of those?

    Life doesn’t have to be about struggle and settling for Close Enough. Too many women get trapped in a life they don’t want while they’re waiting for the child they attached themselves to to “find himself.” It’s a great gig (for him) if you can find it 🙂

    • Where are these men that have it all together??? That’s what I want to know! I KNOW i can’t heal or fix or make someone change. Again, all I can do is show them the path and its up to them to walk down it. Yet at the same time I am so convinced that what I actually want, doesn’t exist and that I am just taking what I can get. It’s sad and pathetic. But that is where I am for the moment. I know I give the impression of rain clouds and dooms day with him mostly, but there are some good parts too. I just want more than he is willing to give. I guess it’s a question of can I accept what is being given to me? Will is satiate me? I dunno. I don’t think I am ready to give up just yet. Even after all the crap he has done. Call me a sucker.

  4. The men that have it all together get snatched up right out of school by smart women who see that they are already “done” – no fixing needed. Sometimes they end up widowers, but they rarely end up divorced – those smart women hang on to them 🙂

    Most men don’t want to be shown any path – they are brought up to believe that having a penis makes them Perfect. Think about it. Especially First Sons.

    Don’t settle for crumbs. You’re worth way more than that, and once you take whatever is on offer, well, you’ll be stuck, maybe for the rest of your life. Let my life be an example for you 🙂

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