Pooh Bear Prt 5

Since my ex wasn’t my responsibility anymore, I tried to not carry the worry that came with his actions.

I talked to a few friends about the situation and of course we all rolled our eyes and tut tutted at what a lost cause he had become.   “Typical Pooh.” We would say.

4 days after the last time I talked to my ex, I got another call from my dad.  Again, I was at work, and when I answered my phone and said hello, my dad could barely get my name out.

“___________? They Found him.  They Found Him ______.  I’m so so sorry.. . He hung himself. “

I sat there stunned.  This was a joke right??  This had to be a joke.  This wasn’t happening.

It’s all a fog from here.  I know I started to shout No no no. . . a co-worker had to come take my phone out of my hand. . people were surrounding me. . . I kept saying that they found my ex and that he was dead. . .

The story goes that after the girl’s father asked them about the money, which I believe totaled about 30 grand, him and the girl went to bed.

They woke up the next morning and she asked if he wanted to go get breakfast.  He told her no, that he would be right back, that he was going to use the bathroom.

She said she must had fallen asleep, but she doesn’t know for how long, and if my ex ever came back to bed.  The sheriff was there looking for him, and he was no where to be found.

A day later, the neighbors would spot his lifeless body hanging from a tree in the back of their property while four wheeling.

I can’t even begin to describe the feelings and emotions that  I and everyone else was going through at that time.  It was a state of total disbelief.  It still is.

My world went a little darker and my heart broke into a million more little pieces that day, and to be truthful, have never been put back together in the right way.

A being of such incredible light took an early exit.

It breaks my heart to think about the hopelessness that he must have been feeling to just take his own life.  That he felt he had nowhere to turn.  That that. . . was his only option.

It breaks my heart to think that by the time I had called him, he was already gone.  Hence why he didn’t answer.

There was no note.  No final words.  No goodbye.

He was a lost soul who just couldn’t find his footing in this world.  I know he wanted to do well, and his intentions were pure and good. . .he just didn’t believe in himself.

Even though things between us did not work out the way we had hoped, there was still a deep bond between us.

It is because of his tragic demise that I find it hard to look back and see all the negative in out relationship. . and him.  I need to only remember the good.

I carry so much guilt and regret.  I should have done this.  I should have been this.  If only I would have done this and that. . .

I really don’t know what more to say about this at the moment.  However I felt it was important to get this story out.  For it has such a great impact on me and the chain of events that tie in with daddy here and there. I apologize for dragging it out, but I just needed to write it out.  It wouldn’t be fair to just sum up 15 years of my life in one quick post.

I shall never be the same.

And how could one be?

Advertisements

~ by spanglebaby52 on March 22, 2013.

7 Responses to “Pooh Bear Prt 5”

  1. I liked this in support. I cant even imagine.

  2. *hugs*

  3. i could go on about not feeling guilty. You know this though. i commend you for your courage. You are making a difference.

  4. My fingers shaking, i just can’t press the like button, i do like that you shared though.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

 
%d bloggers like this: